


Oh Wonder

by ameliafuckingshepherd



Category: Throne of Glass Series - Sarah J. Maas
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Ballet, Dancer AU, F/M, I Tried, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Implied/Referenced Underage Drinking, i dont really write this anymore, sorry honestly, tihis went downhill pretty fast
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-11
Updated: 2017-12-16
Packaged: 2018-10-17 19:42:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 11,501
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10600893
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ameliafuckingshepherd/pseuds/ameliafuckingshepherd
Summary: After suffering a great loss, Russia's rising ballet prodigy Aelin Galathynius is going to quit dancing. Ignoring the pleas of fans, fellow dancers and family alike, she locks herself in her apartment and doesn't leave. At least, until she leaves for her cousin Adeion's wedding, having been convinced to fly to america to attend the event. There she meets Rowan, a young poet widely famed across the west coast. Rowan is determined to bring her back to the magical world of tutus and stages and pointe shoes-but Aelin is determined to leave forever. yeet yeet you get the point. this is kinda dead





	1. first day

Day One 

"How are you today, Aelin?"

"How do you think i am?" Dorian would have hated the therapist. She was stupid. She asks stupid questions.

"i am very sorry for your loss, Miss Galathynius, but i need you to answer me so that we can work through it." 

Chaol, Aelin's new coach, suggested she go to therapy last week. She only agreed because he pushed it, and because she didn't have much energy to argue anymore.

"I'm terrible."

"Would you mind telling me why? Mr. Westfall gave me very few details over the phone."

“My coach had an...accident.” She still hadn't said the word out loud. that terrible, dark, word.

"Yes, He told me that. Were you two close?"

She's taking notes on that gods-damned clipboard again.

"He was everything to me."

"let's talk about the past. How old were you when he started coaching you?"

"I was thirteen, he was fifteen." Simple answers for simple questions.

"And you were together, correct? When did that relationship start?"

Aelin fiddles with the hem of her skirt. "When i was sixteen."

"And you were still in school?"

"yes. He had just graduated."

"i want to talk more about you. Would that be alright?"

"You dont need my consent." Aelin murmurs, not sure she can hear her.

"What was the last competition you performed in?"

"Nationals, a month before the accident. I won gold." pain, that memory brings only pain.

The woman's russian is with an american accent. It bothers aelin. If you aren’t russian, why be in russia at all?

“Would you mind telling me about the routine you did?” 

“It was contemporary, not my usual. I helped Dorian choreograph it, had a student compose the music for me.”

“And how did you feel going into the competition? Is it similar to how you felt with Dorian?”

“Feel. To how i feel with Dorian.”

“It is important to accept the death of your loved ones, Miss Galathynius, and part of that i accepting that they’re gone.”

Without another word, Aelin leaves the office.

The snow flurried around her, harsh Russian winter tearing at her clothes.

Something deep in her heart begins to ache; frozen tears sliding down her cheeks.

What triggered her?

Why is she suddenly crying when the night of the accident she didnt shed a single tear?

Vanilla. Dorian always smelled like vanilla, just like how the office smelled. 

That’s it.

That was all she needed.

He was all she needed.

xXx

She goes to the studio to clean out Dorian’s locker.

She’s been putting it off.

People watch as she spins the combo, as it clicks open.

The locker is bare, it’s only decoration a picture of them after The worlds a few years ago.

Tears.

Hot, hot, tears come flowing down her face.

Sobs come out in great, heaving breaths.

Aelin had never been a pretty crier. 

But for once, she didn’t care.

Grabbing his bag and the picture, she runs out of the studio with no intention of ever coming back.

xXx

“You’re late.” Chaol chides when she opens the door.

“I’m not going back there.”

“then would you like to find a new studio to practice at? I'm sure anyone would be happy to have you."

Aelin turns away. "No."

Why is he here, anyway? it's her apartment, her escape. not his.

"Then what do you want?" Chaol down at her, golden eyes shining. 

"I want him back." she cant seem to stop the tears streaming out of her red and swollen eyes.

"So do I." 

Aelin thought that the touch of another man would be the last thing she wanted-but her friend's arms wrapping around her is more comforting than she could ever imagine.

xXx 

'Chaol, im thinking about taking the next few seasons off.'

Aelin deletes the text.

'hey. i think i might stop dancing for a while.'

no, that's no good either.

She cant find inspiration without dorian. When practicing her competition piece, Chaol tells her than she's dancing blankly, that she needs to put more emotion into it.

But dorian was her emotion.

She hates feeling like this, she hates everything about her depending on a man-

'cant sleep. could we skype?' Hitting send, aelin lays back down on her bed awaiting a response from her old friend.

'sure :)' 

"So how are you?" Nehimia's familiarly soft voice is nearly drowned out through the noise of the rink.

"Am i interrupting practice?" Aelin says, immediately guilty. Nehimia had recently become more and more busy with her figure skating career, and rarely had time to talk.

"No, and you didn't answer my question."

"I'm fine. Why wouldn't i be?"

"Elentiya, i am so, so sorry."

"I know."

The two friends are silent for a long moment.

Someone shouts Nehimia's name.

"I have to go, Elentiya."

Despite herself, aelin feels disappointment settling in. "Will you call me later?"

"Yes."

She blows Aelin a kiss and hangs up.

She sighs.

Tries to think up a good reason to wake up tomorrow.

Clicking off the light, Aelin settles deeper into the sheets and closes her eyes.

She knows the repercussions Dorian's death had on everyone around them.

She doesn't want them to have to go through it again.

That's one good reason, at least.


	2. asleep

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IM REALLY SORRY IT'S SO LONG, BUT I PROMISE ITS ALRIGHT

Aelin is asleep.

Well, not asleep asleep, not in your bed dreaming asleep, but emotionally asleep.

She allows the water spray over her face.

She hasn't showered since chaol came to her door, since she stopped practicing.

However, her cousin is getting married and she feels that even though she'll drink a lot and sulk even more, he wants her there.

What shampoo does she use?

Without thinking, she uses Dorian's shampoo. 

without thinking, she uses Dorian's soap.

She smells like vanilla.

In a vague attempt to wash it off, she scrubs herself down with her lavender soap, but the scent wont come off.

If she could, aelin would wash off everything about her old life.

Her career, her relationships, everything.

But it's not how the world works, is it?

Maybe she shouldn't go to the wedding. After all, it is all the way in america. 

He wouldn't want a mess like her cooped up with his new bride for a week.

Rinsing her hair, she exits the shower. She has to pack, after all.

xXx

What do you bring to a wedding when you're still mourning a death?

Is it still appropriate to wear black?

The mindless exercise is calming, but the stress of everything else is the ever looming mass above her heart, threatening to slow it.

To stop it.

She tosses in a black cocktail dress, a black sheath dress.

Someone knocks at the door, and though she is less than presentable with her hair wrapped in a towel, she goes to answer them anyway.

But there isnt anyone there.

Did she just imagine it?

She has been imagining things lately.

The clink of dorian setting down his keys, or the shower running as she wakes up.

The beeping of the coffee machine when she finishes combing her hair, she sound of his laughter flitting through the kitchen.

But it's not real. She keeps packing.

So much black. Should she bring some colours?

It's alright, She thinks. I can just but something if i want when i get there.

xXx

The next morning she waked up at 4AM, and at 4:30 chaol is driving her to the airport. 

"Tell your cousin hi for me."

"I will." The silence is tight. Chaol had been very close to dorian, even if he doesn't show it. 

"Make sure to practice and stretch while you're there."

She knows he means well, but she sighs internally anyway. 

Should she tell him now? 

It seems like a good time to blurt it out, it'll give him plenty of time to think it over...

"actually, i think i might take the season off."

"Okay. Any reason?"

"I need time, chaol."

He nods, though aelin can tell he is angry.

The rest of the ride passes wordlessly, and she leave the car as fast as she can, promising to text him before we take of and after we land.

she checks her bag, the woman smiling politely, and if she smells the vodka lingering on her from last night she doesnt say anything.

Aelin goes through security, getting stopped for a necklace she forgot she was wearing.

She sits in the waiting area for a while until a little girl approaches her, asking for a picture. Aelin smiles and allows her parents to thank her before moving on to their gate.

She stands up and go to buy a coffee. The woman recognizes her, but doesn't say anything. Aelin assume it is due to the black jeans and dark green russian national dance federation {ive got no fucking clue if thats a thing sorry lmao} she's wearing. Dorian insisted she dress presentably so people wouldn't be intimidated, but what does it matter now if she ignores him?

As her flight is announced, she makes her way back to the gate, pulling out her ticket. 

She pulls out her laptop and opens microsoft word, adding a few notes to her choreography and watching the video of her preforming it, finding places to tweak it.

With nothing to do for the next two and a half hours, she falls asleep.

xXx

Aelin is awoken by the loud whirring of the landing gear settling on the pavement, and rushes to put her things together.

As she exits the plane, one of the flight attendants compliments her jacket.

Maybe she's just doing out of politeness. Aelin doubts she actually knows what the russian writing means.

She goes into the bathroom, reapplying her lipstick in the mirror. 

Plum had always been her colour. Dorian had always forbid her from wearing anything brighter at competitions. She never protested.

Washing her face and refreshing the rest of her makeup, she checks her phone.

 

[hi aelin, just checking in. tell me when you land. xoxo, adeion]

 

[hi! i just landed in england, and i've got a two hour layover. i hope  
everything is well <3]

 

[great! everything is fine, although Lysandra is flipping out about meeting you lol! see you in america, love you!]

 

Her cousin's words reassure her.

But at that very moment, Aelin's phone rings.

"Hello?" she switches to english.

"Hi! do you know where i could reach Aelin Galathynius?" A peppy american woman chirps.

"Oh, you're speaking to her."

"Great! we're from the boston ballet, and we have a one day workshop next may, and we wanted to see if you could teach it."

"Oh, i dont think...I'm not really going to do much teaching..."

"Well, just think about it, okay? nice speaking to you!" 

"You too?"

wondering what just happened, a slightly shocked aelin glances in the mirror only to see that lurking behind her was a girl only a year or two younger than aelin. 

"What?" Aelin snaps in russian, regretting her harsh words as soon as she sees that the girl means well. Aelin was always nice to fans, but today had not been a good day. as a matter of fact, this month had not been a good month.

The girl looks away quickly.

Aelin doesn't mean to be the way she is. She doesn't mean to be arrogant or rude or sassy, but sometimes she cant help it.

sitting down in a cafe, She texts chaol telling him she arrived in england, then emails nehimia to fill her in on everything and send her the new revised choreography so she can tell Aelin what she thinks.

With nothing to do, she opens netflix and watches a few episodes of greys anatomy (for the millionth time) and tries to finish a sketch for a costume she had been designing, but unsurprisingly, she has no inspiration.

When there's still time left and she's watched all the good parts, she scrolls through instagram.

She hasn't opened it in a while, and her heart freezes when she sees a picture Dorian posted the day before the accident:

[[image]

@dorianh

training for this season has been going great! im so in love with aelin, and i'm so blessed to be able to train and share my life with this beautiful girl...]

 

Oh god.

Aelin is going to be sick.

the picture was of her stretching with her therapy band while reading a book.

She tentatively likes the picture.

She writes a comment: i love you. im sorry. i love you, i love you, i love you. you are my life. you are everything to me. you're amazing. i would do anything to get you back. im sorry i cant save you. please be able to forgive me, my sun, my moon, my stars.

but she erases it in place of posting it, instead scrolling through the message requests, ignoring most of them.

But as her flight boards, she cant stop thinking about the picture.

Even as they take off, even as her phone beeps with a text. when she sees chaol's number displayed across the top, she doesnt check it.

It is a good picture of her, and she pulls her phone back out to look at the screenshoted version.

Then she notices something.

Dorian is holding her spare hand, only his arm in the picture.

Someone else must have taken the picture.

But who?

Suddenly Aelin feels the need to find them, to track them down and demand every last detail of that day, because for the life of her, aelin cant remember a single thing about her last day with Dorian.

she tries to focus on a detail, on how he spoke, or what particular piece they worked on, but everything just fades away.

the flight attendant tells her to put her phone away, though slightly taken aback by aelin's age and the tears flooding down her cheeks.

She quickly shuts it off.

She wont need to check anything, anyway. she has withdrawn herself from social media in the wake of the tragedy, and everything she needs is on her laptop (except for texting of course, but she doesnt need internet for that)

Logging onto her laptop, she checks for a response from nehimia (negative) and sends a message to her house sitter, an old friend from Moscow.

 

[hi! im just checking in. have you killed any of my plants yet? if you have im going to light you on fire and toss you out the window. so far this day has been shit, but who knows? maybe it will turn around. thanks again for stopping by, -aelin]

 

She checks again for something from nehimia, but again there is no response.

Sighing, she takes a sleeping pill and outs her laptop away, ignoring the judgmental stares of the woman next to her.

what is she looking at?

aelin is just a considerably good looking russian who smells like she showered in vodka and is taking drugs and left a visibly angry email about house plants. whats so odd about it?

She allows the blackness to over take her and knock her into a dreamless bliss.

she wishes she could sleep forever.

xXx

She wakes up with ten minutes until they begin their decent into america. it's well into night time, and the lights of sparkling los angeleas is one of the most beautiful things aelin has ever seen.

Organizing her bag, she glances up when she feels the stare of the woman again. "Can i help you?"

"aren't you that russian dancer?"

"yes. and i'm going to smell like vodka and piss if i damn well please." she snaps back. she doesnt have time for this shit. she just wants to sleep off her jet lag in her hotel room watching pitch perfect over again.

When she goes to pick up her bag, a few reporters are waiting for her, asking questions about her looming retirement and when she will start competing again. They dont say anything about dorian. is all they care about whether they sell a good story? when someone lost their life, they're all cooped up in their own world. they dont care. therefore aelin doesnt care about them.

She texts adeion telling him she's there as she waits for her bag.

it's a deep purple and peppered with stickers she collected when she went on trips to interesting countries. it's not difficult to miss. yet, on a busy night in the middle of californiaa, it takes half an hour for her to get it.

Adeion meets her by the exit, wrapping her in his arms. 

"im glad you could come." He wraps his massive arm around her waist, laughing.

"yeah, me too. i needed to get away from saint petersburg for a little while." she leans against his chest as a txi drives them to her hotel.

As soon as she's checked in and said goodbye to adeion, she falls asleep, forgetting to change clothes.

she wakes up around 2AM and goes to the front desk, asking the man if there was a liquor store near here.

they point her around the corner, but when she shows her ID, they wont let her buy anything, insisting that the drinking age is 21.

so far, she hates america.

Aelin liked russia better: strip club, drunk teens and cocaine. her three FAVORITE things.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> first of all, wow the first chapter is suprisingly alright. thanks for reading! next, i dont edit these much, so im so sorry if i miss stuf,f please notify me if there's any major things. i also decided to change rowan to dorian, so it may be a little confisu=ing, im sorry. im going to let you peopll ein on a secret: i have no fucking clue what im doing so please me nice. i take things from my life and use fnfiction and writing as a vent for all my troubles.


	3. people person

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> okay i had to make up some people bc the ashryver family doesnt actually have that many friends i can use right now sooo

Aelin Galathynius is not a morning person. especially when she's completely jet lagged and supposed to meet up with her extended family for dinner at five, and it's four thirty. 

Aelin galathynius is not a morning person when her shower is cold and the hotel coffee is crap. especially when her only un-wrinkled dress is the type that goes halfway town your thigh and has a zipper down the back and makes you look like a stripper.

Aelin Galathynius is not a people person. Especially when she arrives ten minutes late to dinner, strutting in her glossy black heels and her StripperDressTM accompanied by a jacket firmly displaying her russian nationality in a country that hates russia.

And as it turns out, when Aelin motherfucking Galathynius shows up late to a party, EVERYONE notices.

Adeion stands up to greet her, pulling her into a bone crushing hug.

Then her aunt and uncle hug her, and her first and second cousins, and Adeion's fiance.

Adeion pulls out a chair for her and whispers in her ear, "you look like you lost weight."

"hello to you too, cousin dearest." Aelin mutters back.

She hasn't struggled with eating disorders since she was fourteen. She is fine. Well. she's not fine. but she not anorexic. 

"Im fucking serious, aelin." he hands her a menu, smiling sweetly.

Aelin sighs. They will talk and he will examine her wrists to check for cuts and ask how she is, and somehow make her pour every detail about anything that's been happening to her.

"Im fucking serious too."

she's fine.

She's not going to hurt herself.

She orders a salad, and tries to order champagne, but apparently a russian ID for a 17 year old wont get you anything stronger than a juice box in america.

She picks at her salad, leaning into her cousin in the hopes that he would pay more attention to her, not his friends. she moved back to russia ten years ago after living in america for three, and almost never sees him.

But obviously misreading the situation, his idiot fiance Lysandra leans over and strikes up a conversation.

"So, you're a dancer, right?"

"Yes. Competitive."

"How long have you been practicing?"

"Since i could walk." the questions remind her of the therapist.

"That's amazing! i wish i had enough dedication to pursue my dreams like that." lysandra smiles, and aelin feels like the god of happy flowers sucker punched her.

"i didnt have a choice. yes, i grew to love it, but the RDA scouted my talent as soon as my parents sent me to my first class. it was never in my hands. nothing is." suddenly, it seems that aelin is no longer talking about her career. 

Lysandra seems undeterred and continues asking questions that aelin, undeterred, answers vaguely, wanting nothing more than to go back to the hotel and sleep.

Aelin is beginning to actually have a mildly not terrible time (which as her cousin's beat man is a personal record) when her phone buzzes.

She picks it up, holding a finger up to the man she was talking to and slipping back into russian. "Aelin Galathynius speaking,"

"AELIN! REMEMBER HOW YOU AUDITIONED FOR THE LEAD IN THAT BALLET A FEW MONTHS AGO?" nehimia screams so loud, aelin actually has to hold it away from her face.

"Yeah?"

"YOU GOT IT! THEY JUST CALLED CHAOL WHO CALLED ME BECAUSE YOU DIDNT TEXT HIM BACK! OHMYGOD DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS?" her best friend's excitement is seeping into aelin, despite her firm belief that she shouldnt be happy right now.

"well, i dont know if im going to do it." Nehimia was the first person aelin told about her possible retirement. she ought to understand.

"no. freaking. way. are you going to turn this down! it's a leading roll! in a contemporary, new, hip ballet expo that could make your career! you have to!" nehimia has stopped shouting and is now whisper screaming.

"okay, okay! i'll think about it, i promise."

"and you'll call them back?" her friend's hopeful voice forces laughter to bubble up from aelin's throat so, so easily, she cant remember the last time she felt this light.

"yeah, i'll call. i promise. love you, but i have to go."

"Love you too!" nehimia is the first to hang up.

"What was that about?" adeion frowns.

"Oh, i got a leading roll in this big modern expo i auditioned for a while back. i dont even know if im going to do it." Aelin downplays, stealing a sip of her cousin's wine.

"you do know that if you tell Nehimia you're going to do something she'll hold you to it, right?"

"yeah, but she sounded to happy about it! i can tell her later." 

Adeion laughs and gives her a disapproving look, but doesnt scold her.

As nights go, this was a peaceful one for aelin. No drinking, no late night practices, no conference calls, no competitions, no nothing, really. Though she enjoys the domestication, she still longs for some sort of excitement.

But when they return to the hotel most of the guests are staying at, Aelin's world is still black and white. 

There is still a writhing, dark monster in her gut, tearing at everything she knows.

she totters into her room, kicks off her heels and unzips her dress, tumbling into bed in her underclothes.

And for once, she falls asleep without having to take the drugs to do it.

xXx

But the sleep doesn't last long.

Aelin wakes up hungry.

She sees it's about two in the morning, and decides she wants to go get food.

throwing on track pants and a tank top, she gets some money and heads to the stairs.

Dorian told her that is she has the chance to use stairs, she should. to keep her "healthy" and all that crap.

Asking the receptionist, she gets directions to an ihop down the block.

Aelin orders waffles and a coffee to go, pays and leaves. As much as she loves breakfast food, she hates ihops.

Los Angeles is still busy at night. People are coming home from bars and clubs, and she discovers that night life here is much different than in St. Petersburg. 

Less interesting.

She climbs the stairs quickly, wanting to get back to her room to eat.

When she opens the door to the hallway, a flash of silver hair slams into her. 

"Watch where you're going, asshole." She mutters, glaring at the guy, at the same himes as he says, “bitch!”  
Aelin Galathynius is not a morning person. especially when she's completely jet lagged and supposed to meet up with her extended family for dinner at five, and it's five fifteen. 

Aelin galathynius is not a morning person when her shower is cold and the hotel coffee is crap. especially when her only un-wrinkled dress is the type that makes you look like a hooker.

Aelin Galathynius is not a people person. Especially when she arrives thirty minutes late to dinner, strutting in her glossy black heels and her StripperDressTM accompanied by a jacket firmly displaying her russian nationality in a country that hates russia.

And as it turns out, when Aelin fucking Galathynius shows up late to a party, EVERYONE notices.

Adeion stands up to greet her, pulling her into a bone crushing hug.

Then her aunt and uncle hug her, and her first and second cousins, and Adeion's fiance.

Adeion pulls out a chair for her and whispers in her ear, "you look like you lost weight."

"hello to you too, cousin dearest." Aelin mutters back.

She hasn't struggled with eating disorders since she was fourteen. She is fine. Well. she's not fine. but she not anorexic. 

"Im fucking serious, aelin." he hands her a menu, smiling sweetly.

Aelin sighs. They will talk and he will examine her wrists to check for cuts and ask how she is, and somehow make her pour every detail about anything that's been happening to her.

"Im fucking serious too."

she's fine.

She's not going to hurt herself.

She orders a salad, and tries to order champagne, but apparently a russian ID for a 17 year old wont get you anything stronger than a juice box in america.

She picks at her salad, leaning into her cousin in the hopes that he would pay more attention to her, not his friends. she moved back to russia ten years ago after living in america for three, and almost never sees him.

But obviously misreading the situation, his idiot fiance Lysandra leans over and strikes up a conversation.

"So, you're a dancer, right?"

"Yes. Competitive."

"How long have you been practicing?"

"Since i could walk." the questions remind her of the therapist.

"That's amazing! i wish i had enough dedication to pursue my dreams like that." lysandra smiles, and aelin feels like the god of happy flowers sucker punched her.

"i didnt have a choice. yes, i grew to love it, but the RDA scouted my talent as soon as my parents sent me to my first class. it was never in my hands. nothing is." suddenly, it seems that aelin is no longer talking about her career. 

Lysandra seems undeterred and continues asking questions that aelin, undeterred, answers vaguely, wanting nothing more than to go back to the hotel and sleep.

Aelin is beginning to actually have a mildly not terrible time (which as her cousin's beat man is a personal record) when her phone buzzes.

She picks it up, holding a finger up to the man she was talking to and slipping back into russian. "Aelin Galathynius speaking,"

"AELIN! REMEMBER HOW YOU AUDITIONED FOR THE LEAD IN THAT BALLET A FEW MONTHS AGO?" nehimia screams so loud, aelin actually has to hold it away from her face.

"Yeah?"

"YOU GOT IT! THEY JUST CALLED CHAOL WHO CALLED ME BECAUSE YOU DIDNT TEXT HIM BACK! OHMYGOD DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS?" her best friend's excitement is seeping into aelin, despite her firm belief that she shouldnt be happy right now.

"well, i dont know if im going to do it." Nehimia was the first person aelin told about her possible retirement. she ought to understand.

"no. freaking. way. are you going to turn this down! it's a leading roll! in a contemporary, new, hip ballet expo that could make your career! you have to!" nehimia has stopped shouting and is now whisper screaming.

"okay, okay! i'll think about it, i promise."

"and you'll call them back?" her friend's hopeful voice forces laughter to bubble up from aelin's throat so, so easily, she cant remember the last time she felt this light.

"yeah, i'll call. i promise. love you, but i have to go."

"Love you too!" nehimia is the first to hang up.

"What was that about?" adeion frowns.

"Oh, i got a leading roll in this big modern expo i auditioned for a while back. i dont even know if im going to do it." Aelin downplays, stealing a sip of her cousin's wine.

"you do know that if you tell Nehimia you're going to do something she'll hold you to it, right?"

"yeah, but she sounded to happy about it! i can tell her later." 

Adeion laughs and gives her a disapproving look, but doesnt scold her.

As nights go, this was a peaceful one for aelin. No drinking, no late night practices, no conference calls, no competitions, no nothing, really. Though she enjoys the domestication, she still longs for some sort of excitement.

But when they return to the hotel most of the guests are staying at, Aelin's world is still black and white. 

There is still a writhing, dark monster in her gut, tearing at everything she knows.

she totters into her room, kicks off her heels and unzips her dress, tumbling into bed in her underclothes.

And for once, she falls asleep without having to take the drugs to do it.

xXx

But the sleep doesn't last long.

Aelin wakes up hungry.

She sees it's about two in the morning, and decides she wants to go get food.

throwing on track pants and a tank top, she gets some money and heads to the stairs.

Dorian told her that is she has the chance to use stairs, she should. to keep her "healthy" and all that crap.

Asking the receptionist, she gets directions to an ihop down the block.

Aelin orders waffles and a coffee to go, pays and leaves. As much as she loves breakfast food, she hates ihop.

Los Angeles is still busy at night. People are coming home from bars and clubs, and she discovers that night life here is much different than in St. Petersburg. 

Less interesting.

She climbs the stairs quickly, wanting to get back to her room to eat.

When she opens the door to the hallway, a flash of silver hair slams into her. 

"Watch were you're going, asshole." She mutters, glaring at the guy, at the same time as he says. "bitch!"

She makes a disgusted sound but moves on to her room, slipping the card key into the slot.

switching on the tv, she watches a recording on todays news.

Checks the russian news on her phone. 

there are stories about her being in LA all over the ballet world. cant they just leave her alone?

She finishes her waffles and begins to fall asleep.

But sleep refuses to come.

Instead of taking drugs for it, Aelin decides to stay up.

Some small part of her tells her to go to sleep because tomorrow is the wedding, but ignoring the voices is what makes aelin the best at what she does.

Aelin has never been good at following orders.

But why does it matter if there's no one telling you what to do?

xXx

She falls asleep around four. Unsurprisingly and as always, she wakes up around nine with an hour and a half to spare. She takes a shower and blow dries her hair into submission. Her best man's dress (adeion wanted her standing with him) is a crimson, long sleeved close fitting dress with a dipping back covered with black lace. she bought it after she found out about the engagement, though she wished she waited. she loved it, but it was a little too...seductive. she no longer wanted to show off her body. she would have picked something less flashy, more elegant. It is waiting for her in the dressing room at the church.

Aelin gets in a taxi and goes over to adeion's house. One of his groom's men opens the door, but she ignores his look of surprise, entering and calling to adeion. 

he's sitting on his bed, one of his friends (she thinks his name is Lucas) talking to him. When he sees her, he leaves the room. She nearly snorts; She cant be THAT intimidating. 

"Aelin," her cousin tentatively says as she pins on his corsage. 

"da?" 

"Will you...will you be alright?" She freezes up.

Looks away--anywhere but in his eyes. "Why wouldn't i be?" The same thing she asked Nehimia.

"I'm here if you ever need me. You know that." He murmurs as she retrieves her make up bag and dusts some powder onto his face, finishing it off with a dash of highlighter to his cheek bone.

"I know." 

they are quiet as aelin finishes braiding a strand of hair and pinning it back, as she sits down on the bed next to him, as she rests her head on his shoulder. 

"Are you okay?" aelin whispers.

"yes."

"You're not nervous?"

"A little." He smiles slightly. "did you and dorian ever talk about getting married?"

"Yes. We decided that after i retired we would talk about it if we still wanted to." she brushes her hair behind her ear. "but i guess that won't be happening."

She tries to stop the tears from coming at the memory, tells them to go fuck themselves, tries to hide them from her cousin as he looks down at her.

He doesnt say anything.

When Lucas comes in telling them it's time to go, they stand up. "ready?"

"Yeah." he squeezes her hand, and with their fingers laced together, they go out to the limo.

xXx

with two hours until the wedding reception actually starts, aelin arrives in the dressing room. she's sharing one with Lysandra and her brides maids who all stare at her, judging her clothing choice compared to their frilly, lacy, pink ones.

Aelin rolls her eyes, settles in a chair infront of a mirror and begins to do her makeup.

She doesnt need to contour her cheeks, though she brushes on heavy amounts of red and black eyeshadow, mascara and liquid eyeliner. Her lipstick is crimson to match her dress, and when she's done, she has to admit she looks pretty bad-ass. 

Now for the dress: it's handing on a rack, and stepping behind a changing screen, she peels off her cocktail dress and allows the cool velvet to wash over her body.

"Do you know where my flowers are?" she asks the friendliest looking bridesmaid. She doesn't look amused. 

"They're over there."

well, that was vague. But they are just in a bucket in the corner. Red roses. red to match her dress. red to match her eye makeup. red to match the blood strewn across Dorian's face after the crash.

Red. there is too much red. She stumbles over to a hair, tripping in heels for the first time in years. she wants to claw her dress off, wants to burn it. Why did she have to choose red of all colours? She could have gone with green, or mauve. She feels the eyes of the other women on her, and quickly hurries down the hall to the bathroom., hurling her guts up once she's in the safety of the stall.

She emerges, rinsing out her mouth and sliding down to sit on the floor, leaning her throbbing head against the porcelain tiles.

She takes deep breaths. Convinces her body to quit trying to off itself. 

The roses...the roses are what the bruises looked like as they bloomed against dorian's cheek. Why did she have to survive with nothing but a scratch? why couldn't she have died with him, how it should have been? she loved him. he was her everything. he loved roses. he loved her dress. he loved her heels. She should just leave. no on would miss her. if she stays here, she'll probably just cause more problems. she-

the door opens.

Someone sits down next to her.

"Are you okay?" Adeion repeats the question.

"No."

"Lysandra sent someone to tell me you came in here. do you want to talk about it?" 

The thought of dorian's blood sprayed over her face makes bile rise to her throat. her cousin rubs gentle circles on her lower back and holds her hair away from her face and she empties her stomach. 

She is not embarrassed.

Adeion is who she called when she got her first period, when she kissed her first boy, when she lost a false eyelash and then slipped on it during a performance. he has been with her through everything. 

"Are you still okay to be in the reception?" His voice sounds sad, even if his face in neuteral. Aelin wants to go back and drown in the bathtub, but she knows how much it would ruin this if she did, so she summons all of her energy and stands up.

"yeah. let's go. it's time, isn't it?"

He answers her with a cunning smile. "yes. let's go, then."

xXx

She and the five groomsmen form a line next to Adeion. Aelin reaches through the gap between them and squeezes his arm with her free hand. "ready?"

he only manages a weak nod.

"Davai." she lets her arm drop.

The massive doors of the church swing open. The toddler scatters flower petals-red flower petals-infront of lysandra.

When aelin looks up, she sees the goddess in white. aelin knew she was pretty-gorgeous, even-but in the lace wedding dress, the flower crown against her raven hair...aelin feels like she had the breath knocked out of her. and with a quick glance beside her, she sees that her cousin is feeling the same effect. 

The wedding proceeds. aelin's eyes fill with tears when they read their vows though the doesnt let them spill in the fear that her makeup will be ruined. She cheers with everyone else when they kiss. Smiles with everyone else when they take to the dance floor. But unlike everyone else, she is taken aback when Adeion offers his hand to her, lysandra taking her flowers.

And unlike everyone else, she waltzes with him across the floor. they would practice this when they were younger. it is a second nature. a beautiful, graceful, elegant second nature. She is aware of everyone's eyes on them, but can't bring herself to care. When the dance ends, the are met by applause. She hugs him tightly. Murmurs"i love you" into his ear. Smiles when he says it back.

But her happiness is short lived when she must return him to lysandra. 

She drags herself to a table in the corner, too exhausted to interact with anyone else right now.

however, there is someone at this table. Someone who watches her order a bottle of vodka from the waiter, watches he take hearty sips of it.

"you're going to die if you finish that entire bottle." the man drawls.

She jumps, choking on the liquid and glaring at him.

Silver hair, tanned skin..."hey asshole." the same man from the staircase.

"Oh, hello bitch. nice to see you again." hi's tattoo dances it's way down half of his face and into his dress shirt, re appearing on his hand. 

"Nice tattoo."

"nice vodka."

"want some?" she offers him the bottle.

he shrugs and takes a sip.

"What's your name?" asshole is easier to make conversation with that she expected. they both seem like they couldnt care less about the world, and maybe that's a good thing. 

"Rowan. I'm one of Adeion's friend's brother."

"Oh. I'm aelin. I'm his cousin."

Rowan nods. "Aren't you only seventeen?"

"it's kind of weird that you know that. and so what if i am?"

"not drinking age." he raises a tattooed brow.

"cant you tell im from a better country?" she grins.

"apparently not. because the accent is SO subtle." he mutters under his breath, making aelin laugh for the first time in a while. 

"by the way, you look like absolute shit. what do you do for a living, eat it?" he smirks, obviously happy with his lame insult. 

"ha ha, very funny, but no, i'm a dancer."

"oh, so the underage alcoholic DOES do something to sustain her health!"

aelin reaches across the table and smacks him in the arm. "Well, i used to be a dancer anyway. i quit."

"Why would you do that?" Rowan picks at the food on his plate.

"my coach died." she doesnt feel like talking about it. but why bother changing the subject? that might take even more work...

"were you two close?"

"well, we fucked if that's what you mean. we lived together."

rowan nods. "are you ever going back to dancing, or do you want to retire?"

"I dont know,. i got offered a big part in a contemporary ballet expo in a few months, but i doubt i'll end up doing it." Aelin looks in rowan's eyes. they're green, like the pines that surrounded her childhood home in the countryside on russia.

"why not?"

"because," aelin sets down her roses. "without my inspiration, i fail to create anything beautiful. and if i cant do that, then what kind of dancer am i?"

xXx

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WE MET ROWAN! he's going to play a huge part very soon, so i hope you dont hate him or anything...oh who am i kidding, who could hate an angry little puff like himself
> 
> im sorry this chapter was a little rushed...i promise i can do better next time! 
> 
> tumblr: iamthesockgod  
> wattpad (aka my rubbish bin for shit fics): nightshadestorm


	4. a feeling a lot like love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ROWAELIN   
> im on an insane caffeine high right now so sorry in advance

Rowan’s POV

The girl Sitting next to Rowan is taking him more and more by surprise every second.

A woman standing on the groom’s side, wearing such a synical dress to a wedding, being in such perfect sync with her cousin.

"because," aelin sets down her roses. "without my inspiration, i fail to create anything beautiful. and if i cant do that, then what kind of dancer am i?"

Wow. he’ll have to remind himself to dedicate a book to her someday.

“And you dont write?” He frowns.

“No. maybe i would have tried it if dorian had encouraged me, but-” she glances at Rowan. “He didn’t and now it’s a bit late to ask him.”

“Who’s dorian?” 

She just looks at him steadily.

She allows him to read her.

But when Rowan tumbles into her turquoise gaze, he is crushed with sadness. Sadness and guilt and regret, but the thing that frightens him most is the nothingness. The great wave of emotionless steel   
that blocks him from the better half of her. Doesn’t she feel anything beside sadness?

 

She looks away.

Rowan winces. What broke her? What tore her apart this much?

Rowan isnt a therapist or anything. He’s just a college kid who happens to be good at poetry.

“Could i see you?”

She looks at me, frowning. “What do you mean?”

“Like, is there a video of you i could watch or something?”

“Oh. yeah, i have one on my phone.” 

She pulls out her phone. The wallpaper is what makes me freeze. The younger, happier, laughing version of Aelin stares back at him. This version is leaning into a raven haired, blue eyed also grinning man. She looks so strikingly different than she does now.

She pulls open a video. “This was from a few months ago.”

It’s not a competition video. She’s still in practice.

She opens standing still. Crumpling to the left, and spinning her into a series of spinning leaps. Rowan cannot describe the rest, despite having a gift with words. She dances with emotion. It’s like the combinations and steps are already inside of her, and she is using the music to let them out. She’s not smiling, but her face looks peaceful. She’s not crying, but her eyes are watery. She’s not a goddess, but it seems like she is. It seems effortless. It seems like she can glide across the floor without trying.

She stops dancing, her posture immediately dropping. She converses with the person filming in rapid russian, laughing a bit.

But the present day broken Aelin pauses the video and shuts her phone off.

“It’s not my best but…” She trails off.

“No.” Rowan clears his throat. “It was beautiful. You were beautiful.”

She flushes, looks away. “I dont get it. I was okay, but i wasn’t that great. So many people in russia hope i win, so many support and love me, and i appreciate them, it’s not that i dont, it’s just that i dont understand. I’m just a person.”

After seeing her actually dance, he understands. She dances with her entire soul, which of course is incredible, but what is even more incredible is that she doesnt do it for publicity or fame. She does it for herself. 

“Of course people love you.” Rowan blurt out. “How could they not? You’re amazing.”   
He claps a hand over his mouth, embarrassed. 

“I guess.” She shrugs.

“What do you mean? You never thought about it before?”

“I thought about it, of course i did, and i know i’m good, but it think amazing might be a bit of a stretch. Besides, i’m not going to keep dancing, so it doesn’t matter. At least, not for a long time.”

The silence between them is stiff, though the silence is not as silent as either of them would like with the music blaring from the speakers.

“Want to go somewhere quieter?” She suggests softly. 

Rowan nods, glad to escape the people. He had always been more of an introvert.

xXx

Aelin settles herself in the hallway, Rowan following. She enjoys talking to him about dancing. She doesnt feel the need to light herself on fire with the grief as fuel and leap off a mountain. 

She let him read her. She let him see the reasons of her misery. It’s easier than explaining, after all. 

She allowed him to see her screensaver, allowed him to watch the video of her practice. 

She didn’t have to. Had it been anyone else, she probably wouldn’t have. 

Aelin rarely makes a connection with someone. When she does, it takes har a long time. But she’s taken to this stranger in an hour.

She learns that Rowan is a famous 18 year old poet, and that he wants to be a doctor. She learns that his favourite colour is green, and that he thinks episode I, II and III of star wars are underrated. 

“They were shit.” Aelin firmly backs up her opinion on the prequels. 

“Yeah? Well what did you think of twilight?” 

“Also shit.”

“Oh look, they’re just like you.” Rowan says sweetly. Aelin snorts.

“Well, at least i smell better than it. Though i cant say the same for you.” She raises a skeptical brow.

Rowan laughs from deep inside his chest. Aelin wants to hear it again.

“And at least i’m prettier.” 

Rowan places a finger under her chin, pulling her closer to him until their foreheads touch. Her breath hitches.

“I cant argue with you there.” He breathes.

She closes her eyes. She feels like she is betraying dorian. She is betraying him because she feels something when she looks at rowan, she is betraying him because she knows that if rowan kissed her   
right now, she wouldn’t pull away.

She ignores it. Leanes in. She knows her sober self is going to regret it later.

Their lips are merely centimeters apart. She can feel the heat radiate off them. 

But he pulls away.

She frowns..

“You’ll regret it in the morning.” 

“I think i’ll regret all of this in the morning.”

But Aelin respects his decision, knowing he’s probably right. 

“What do you think happens to us after we die? We have all this potential energy, all of it waiting to be used. Does it just disappear?” Rowan stares at the marble floors.

“I dont know. Wouldn’t it just transfer into another object?” Aelin realises that the more she talks to rowan, the more he feels like home.

“Yeah...But why wouldn’t it just stay in your corpse, buzzing around and waiting for you to use it?”

She humms, thinking about his question. “I dont know. I didn’t really pay attention to physics.”

“Hey, that reminds me. Why aren’t you in school?” He shoves her playfully.

“I got a private tutor after my career launched off. But i think i’m going to attend one for the rest of the year, just so i can say i went.” 

He nods like he understands, though Aelin doubts he does.

“When do you go back?” 

She bumps her shoulder against his.

“Tomorrow. It all seems to go by so fast.”

“I know. It seems like only yesterday i got my first poem published.”

“We’re sort of overachievers, aren’t we?”

The american nods. “But that’s not necessarily a bad thing.” 

“No,” she agrees. “It’s not.”

They stay in the hallway for a while. Around ten when the guests start to trickle out, they exchange numbers and aelin finds adeion, side stepping his questions on where she was.

 

She returns to the hotel with a feeling that she hasn't felt in a while. a feeling a lot like love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im really sorry for the short chapter! im working on my ereri mafia AU (he has eyes like high grade cocaine, check it out sometimes) and its also 3 in the morning and i cant write for shit right now lmao  
> my instagram is @successfulsociopath if anyone ever wants to find me


	5. sparks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> two months later--Aelin and rowan have been skypeing, calling and texting-a lot. Aelin is only just beginning to heal, and she is utterly and shockingly aware that Rowan is a stark part of that. she is faced with many questions when she begins to feel something for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I MET SJM IM SO HAPPY ODSHAIURG and wow ACOWAR is amazing but im only about half way through so no spoilers please--sorry for late update and sorry for the Shortest Chapter Ever i just wanted to get something done ;-;

two months later--

"Fireheart!" Rowan calls. He has begun calling her this after the accidentally let it slip that it was her mother old nickname for her as a child.

"Yes, you prick?" He looks so goddamn adorable, nestled in his pile of pillows with his mug of tea and his lovely hair and his--

She needs to stop.

"how are you?" 

"Fine. You asked me that yesterday."

"I know, but i also know that it can change."

He gets up, carrying his laptop with him and moving to the kitchen and turning on the kettle.

"You already have tea." I comment, for i myself have already had tea so i can't make a joke asking if it's for me. (yeah yeah we're skypeing but whatever, i can still make jokes my sense of humor didnt die with my previous lover)

"coffee. peppermint doesnt give you much of a caffiene rush, does it?"

I laugh. 

"You're laughing." Rowan looks at me in the eyes, or in my virtual, pixally eyes.

"yeah, so what?" 

"You...you almost never laugh."

The silence that follows is awkward at best.

One of Rowan's Roommates-Roz-Strolls in and begins making cereal in a Tupperware container. 

"Oh, did you read the update of the...citrus fic...?" He asks eagerly. He's been writing a certain...fanfiction...a certain very, very smutty fanfiction about some of his friends, and sends me updates weekly. it's extremely entertaining.

"Yes, i did, and fuck, Rowan, you're going to hell."

"Shame i dont believe in it." He responds airily. 

I snort. "Heathen."

"oh, shush. dont you have school or practice or something?" Rowan sips his tea.

"Trying to rid yourself of me already?"

"never." he drags out the word, and it kind of turns me on, which kind of horrifies me.

"I dont have school, im just going to stay with my tutor. And im not dancing again, remember? i thought we had a whole drunken conversation about this on my dearest cousin's wedding night."

He frowns. "Right. hey, just wondering, if i have any time off, what would you think about me visiting russia?"

Roz pretty much spews her milk across the kitchen, and i choke a little. {air isnt the only thingshe'll be choking on lol} {im kidding if i make this smut ill ruin it}

"That would be great."

"Are you sure? 'cause i think you're freaking out a little." 

"No, i would love it if you came. i just didnt know you cared that much. i want you to come." I do. now that the initial shock of wow-i-had-no-clue-he-cared-about-me had worn off, i cant wait to see him again.

"okay. but i want to see you dance again. in real life." I stop. He stops. Time stops. "We can talk about it when the time comes. I wont push it on you now."

I nod silently. Im not ready. i cant go back. But he doesnt have to know that, at least not back. "when do you think you would be visiting?"

"Maybe next month. is that too soon?" He gives roz a look, and she leaves the room.

"no. no, you could even come sooner. i want to see you again, rowan, really see you."

"okay, fireheart." He smiles softly, and i feel a sharp tug on my heart.

"okay."

"Dude, you have english is like two minutes!" some shouts from the other room.

"well, i guess i better go." he grins again, dragging his hand through his hair. (again, it turns me on. what is wrong with me?)

"Boo, you whore." 

"Thats a terrible movie."

"Yeah, sorry, we cant be friends." He laughs.

"I'll talk to you later, fireheart."

"Bye, then."

I dont want him to hang up.

But i dont want to hang up either.

It's been ages since i've had this feeling. That i dont want someone to leave, because as soon as they do, i know i'll miss their voice.

xXx

The next few days a a whirl wind of emotion-every time my phone chimes my heart leaps. Rowan texts me: are you doing okay?

What does that mean? does he think im not okay? have i been acting weird? does he think im mad at him? when i voice these concerns to nehimia through a call around midnight, but she only laughs. 

"Elentiya," her pet name for me slips easily off her lips. "He is only checking in. I'm sure he didnt mean anything other than that."

"Are you sure?" 

"yes!" she exclaims. "but elentiya, do you like him?"

"What? no!"

"you can tell me. it's good for you to move on."

"I'm not moving on." I feel the writhing monster in my gut that had been receding ever since i met rowan begin to whisper in my ear, begging for me to say something, do something to feed it's hatred.

"alright."

"Alright."


	6. 70 degrees

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ROWAN VISITS HER IN RUSSIA SO STAY TUNES SUCCULENTS  
> either going to be a crazy short or crqzy long chapter so yeahp sorry  
> i thirst for petty as drama to sam i gonna be in theis chapter  
> WE GET MORE BALLET AELIN AND MORE EMOTIONALLY FRAGILE AELIN SORRY

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> though i ship the everloving fuck out of samlaena, theyre just old friends from middle school sorry to disappoint yall  
> IF THERE ARE BALLET PUNS IN HERE THAT YOU DONT GET IM SORRY  
> im done with long distance rowaelin so meh they're going to meet up yay

\---sorry in advance for this being so short, ive decided to give you guys a break from all this seven page chapter nonsense---

Aelin is going to meet Rowan at the airport in only a few minutes.

She tried on several outfits, deciding to wear a mock version of what she wore the day they met: red crop top with black lace, red velvet skater skirt and heels. She almost wet back to change. Five times. Why is she so nervous? She and Rowan have been talking for months. He knows pretty much everything about her.

But when he walks into the parking lot, Aelin is dumb struck. holy fuck, it should be illegal for him to wear v neck shirts. 

"Hey, prick." She greets him with her usual greeting.

"fireheart." 

She squawks indignantly when he wraps her in his arms and buries his face in your hair.

They pull away from eachother. "So, you'll be staying with me, yeah?"

"Yes.If that's okay."

We get in the car.

"If it wasn't, why would i have suggested it?"

"Fair point. I want to meet the houseplants you go on about." he says.

"Alright."

"And tomorrow would you show me how you dance?"

Aelin sucks in a sharp breath.

She isn't ready.

"I...maybe."

"thank you."

"Why?"

He only shrugs.

xXx

"You can stay in the guest room." Aelin leads rowan to the spare room she used to use as her study.

The american nods and tosses his duffel bad on the bed.

"It's only three, would you like to get some tea?" Aelin questions.

Rowan snorts. "That rhymed."

"I'll take that as a yes. Come on, there's a place around the corner."

In the summer, russia is around 70 degrees. Aelin is glad. She would have had to go back and get a coat if it was any cooler.

When they breeze into the coffee shop, Phillipa greets her.

"Aelin! i haven't seen you here in a while. and you brought a friend?" The woman gives her a suggestive smile, leaving them both blushing furiously.

"Could i just have a coffee?" Aelin mutters, blushing.

Phillipa laughs. "As always, Miss. What would your friend like?"

"I'll just have some tea, thanks." Rowan mutters, blushing just as much as Aelin assumes she is.

"ooOOhh, he's an american, too!" The older woman rings them up and bustles back to make their drinks.

Rowan insists on paying--like it's a date or something. is it? Oh god, what if it's a date and she doesnt even know it? No. NO, its not a date. just some friends getting coffee after--

"Aelin?"

She looks up, realizing she's been fiddling with her necklace. "Sorry, i must have drifted off, what were you saying?"

Rowan smiles softly. "I was just wondering if you wanted to watch a movie or something when we get back?"

Aelin smiles. "That would be nice." 

"So, how have you been?"

"Better, actually." She idly sips her coffee, which must have been served while she was staring into space. "How has school been?"

His eyes light up. "it's been great! I've gotten a lot more of my stuff published and-"

"That reminds me. You still need to read me the poem you said you were writing a while back."

Rowan's face turns crimson. "Umm...Yeah...maybe i'm going to take that back..."

"Come on! Now i want to know what it is!"

"Nope."

"Okay, tomorrow we'll go to the studio and i'll dance for you, and you can read me the poem. deal?"

"Deal." 

He smirks triumphantly and She sticks her tongue out at him.

she is glad rowan came into her life. Glad she is beginning to heal. Glad that he's part of that.

She misses this-having a friend. 

xXx

"Hi, chaol, is there free time at the studio tomorrow?" Aelin bites her lip as she blurts the question into her cell phone.

"You...you want to dance?"

"Yeah."

"Umm...okay, yeah, there's 1-3 pm, if you want." Her previous coachsounds concerned. 

"Great! you're acting weird about this." She chirps.

He grumbles something under his breath before saying goodbye and hanging up rather abruptly.

Rude!

Aelin takes her therapy band to do torture chambers* in her room after rowan falls asleep. Her hips ache by the time she is done. she didnt even need to stretch, she got her splits ages ago. But now, it's really more of a formality.

*torture chambers are a way of stretching your middle splits. you lay on the floor and pretty much sit on the wall. You slide your legs down the wall until you're doing your middle splits and gravity is pulling your weight down, and with a therapy band it hurts like hell, trust me (hence the torture chamber thing)

xXx

Aelin dresses in her favourite pine-green leotard and grey leg warmers as Rowan showers around noon. (he didn't wake up until eleven, but then again, aelin didn't wake up until ten) She pulls her hair back several times before deciding on a style. Nerves twist in her gut.

She has no idea if she is ready.

She has no idea if she will be able to do this.

But for someone she cares about, for a friend, she is willing.

For a friend like Rowan, she would do just about anything.

xXx

Aelin and Rowan walk to the ballet studio, the day being sunny again. Saturdays have been Aelin's favourite days since she was a child. Wit the freedom and leisure to do anything, she loves doing exactly nothing.

Swinging the door open, she struts to her locker and tosses her things inside. Collecting her pointe shoes, she ignores the stares and mutters of other dancers and returns to rowan, leading him to the studio.

She begins putting on her shoes.

Delicately laces them up.

Takes a deep breath.

"So, what do you want to see?" 

"Whatever you want to show me, fireheart." 

Aelin had just declared it an open practice after chaol had warned her that several people would want to watch her return. And, as predicted from the Kaleface Waterfall, there were already half a dozen people watching from the wings.

She takes out her phone. "Are you sure there isn't a year, or a dance or something, because i cant really choose and i dont know-"

Rowan puts a hand on her cheek. "Fireheart. You're panicking. Just play a song, alright? You can just dance. You like to do that, right? choreograph it as you go along?"

"But dont you want-"

"Aelin! I want to see you dance. that's all." her cheeks warm at the words.

She takes another deep breath and hits shuffle.

Canon in D comes on.

She just had to dance how the music feels. that's all she has to do. it shouldn't be hard.

and after a minute or two, she finds it easier and easier to lose herself.

She does a saut de basque out of a leap, and from that into a tourjete. 

She flows. She is immortal. Aelin feels like she can do anything.

Until she slips. 

Until the memories come cascading back.

 

||"Aelin, you're doing great!" dorian claps his hands as she lands a jump perfectly.

"Thanks. but we still have a lot of shit to do before the competition, you know."

he laughs. "silly, of course i know."||

||"you need new pointe shoes."

"I know."

"Want to go get them after practice?"

"Sure. But would you mind if we went to the library first?"

dorian's laugh cracks the frozen air outside. "Of course. We always do, dont we? it's our tradition."

"Yeah, i guess so." 

they link arms and continue down the street, everything perfect. everything always is with the havilliards.||

 

||"dorian!" her voice cracks. "dorian, wake up, dorian, dorian--" 

Aelin's finger brush against his stone cold forehead. Blood scurries down his face, down every part of him.

"Please wake up, PLEASE!" People were stopping on the highway, she distantly hears someone call an ambulance. 

She tries to move, tries to get closer to him, but feels a sharp pain in her ankle and arm. he ignores them.

"we have to get to the competition! come on, we'll be late. Please wake up, please, please..."

Please let this be a dream. Please don't let the blood now coating aelin's hands be real. 

Please let him wake up.||

 

||"I'm afraid we were too late. His brain was bleeding, as was his abdomen and..."

None of the nurse's voices reach aelin. 

There's a strange roaring in her ears, a strange blackness in her vision.

Dead.

Dorian was dead.

Her best friend.

Her lover.

Her everything.

Gone. She would never kiss him again, would never run her hands through his silken hair, never dance his choreography gain.

Never hear his heart beat again.

Aelin has many regrets in her life. But allowing Doran Haviliard to die is one of them. She should have never let him drive so late at night. The roads were icy, and she warned him. But he didn't want to wait. 

She loved him.

He shouldnt have to leave.

She loved him.

She wants him back.

She can no longer distinguish between tears and blood as they flow down her face.

He is dead. He is dead, and she is left with her worthless life.||

 

"Aelin?"

Aelin feels the cold studio floor on her palms.

She feels it through her tights.

She knows she is being filmed. "the great return of Aelin Galathynius" is going to be her having a mental breakdown. It will be posted online. Anyone can see it.

"Sorry I-" the words scorch her throat. She tries to get up, but her legs fail her.

For a moment, she aches for her mother. She wants to crawl into her arms and hug her, telling her everything.

After a moment, gentle arms pick her up. 

She doesn't need to look to know who it is.

Doesn't need to look to see where they are as Rowan lifts her into a taxi, ordering the man to take them to her apartment. 

Doesn't need to look to know that she is being set down in her bed.

But she does open her eyes when he lays down next to her, wraps his arms around her.

She doesn't need to look to know that he is there-that he isn't going to leave.

xXx

Fireheart-his fireheart-is broken. Broken even more than Rowan could have ever predicted. And he shouldn't have pushed her.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have made you." He strokes her hair, and she seems to curl herself into him even more.

She laughs hoarsely. "i was the one who offered the deal."

"Still."

Neither of them speak for a while.

When rowan looks down, Aelin's breaths have evened, her eyelids drooping closed.

Rowan watches as she sleeps, watched the girl he has fallen in love with.

But there's no way she could love him back, at least not to quickly after Dorian died.

Maybe someday, though. And he would wait for her, however long it took.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> should i toss in some high school AU? im sorry its probably going to happen eventually, but shuld i be ahead of my own shitty game and just make it a solid chapter of aelin tries school and hates it?


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> if youre bored fine me on insta @successfulsociopath

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for late update, ive been super busy  
> stick with me though, because rowaelin fluff coming up here

“Im such a fucking idiot!” Aelin gorans, throwing herself across the couch.

Rowan sighs, but doesn’t object. He stopped objecting the 2840297438 time she said that.

“I cant believe i had a breakdown and it got online! Oh my god. Im a FUCKING IDIOT. Everyone in the entire world is going to see it, and chaol is going to rip my motherfucking head off!”

That’s not quite true.

But she’s allowed to exaggerate! Look at this situation! 

“That’s a lot of swearing, fireheart. Besides, it wasnt that bad.”

She hits him over the head with a rolled up magazine. “It was terrible! I’m just lucky it wasn’t during a competition!”

He sighs. “Fireheart-”

“I just want to get out of this massive, shithole of a clusterfuck.” she feels her face heat.

“Aelin Ashryver Galathynius, if you dont stop cussing, i’m going to call Adeion.” 

Aelin sighs in defeat, removing her socks. 

“It’s not as bad as you’re playing it up to be, you know.” His voice goes soft.

“Are you calling me dramatic?”

“All the Ashryver-Galathyniuss’ are dramatic. I was calling you beautiful, Aelin.”

The words seem to be taken right out of her mouth. She tries to speak. Tries again. 

“Im sorry, i shoudnt have said that. Just forget it, im sure you dont-” 

But in the time it took him to stutter out the apology, the russian had closed the space between them and delicately placed her hand on his cheek.

“Shut up, you bastard.” 

Before she can think, before she can second guess her decision, she closes off the gap completely, pressing her lips to his.

Her heart stops when he pulls away-she furrows her brow, biting her lip in worry. She shouldn't have done that. "Sorry-"

"It's okay."

And he kisses her.

His lips are soft, and taste faintly of earl grey. She wants to surround herself with that taste, with his scent. She wants to bury herself in it.

She's never kissed anyone besides dorian before. And this is different.

Rowan is all warmth, his sunkissed skin living up to it's cozy aura. Dorian was always cold, cold, cold.

She thinks that maybe she needs some warmth.

They dont speak for a while when they pull away. Aelin goes to the library, and rowan going to get a postcard for a friend.

Aelin misses him. Her heart lights up when she sees him. 

She's glad she went to the wedding, after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i planned a date, and i might ask my crush but i probably wont: we go to the beach and pick out rocks that match eachothers eyes. then, we get hot chocolate or tea or some shit from a cafe overlooking the beach and just talk.
> 
> Should i do it?


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> its been months since i last wrote this and im so sorry! but i think im going to continue it again :)

Rowan doesn't believe his eyes when he sees Aelin doing turns in the kitchen. Old habits never die. 

He doesn't believe his eyes when he sees her laugh, genuinely laugh. 

He doesn't believe his eyes when he finds a page open to competition entries, and he can't possibly believe his ears when she talks to Chaol on the phone. 

Because after yesterday, he thought that was it. she was never going back, not ever. 

Rowan goes back to California in two weeks. In that unimaginably short time, he knows what he needs to do. Aelin needs to dance again, and she needs to do it alone and free. 

There is nothing he wants more than for her to be happy. And rowan has a plan, a ridiculously stupid, rash and crazy plan, but a plan nonetheless. 

xxx

Rowan brings it up over the coffee table the next day. 

"I have a crazy idea." no reason to whisper around it, is there? 

"Yes?" Aelin's turquoise eyes glitter in the sun in a way rowan can't help finding beautiful. 

He shakes the thought off. 

"What if you were to come to america? just for a month or something? You can stay with Aedion, and you can take classes at another studio as a guest dancer. Just a sort of fresh start." 

She looks at him for a very long time. "Maybe."

and she doesn't speak for the rest of the day, until she leaves the apartment around noon. 

"I'll be back soon, okay?" 

"Okay. im sorry, i shouldn't have-"

"Im not angry. Let just talk about it later, okay?"

"Okay." but his words are weak and useless, and he knows it.

**Author's Note:**

> yeah im sorry p[lease be nice


End file.
